New Year…Same Old Me

Every new year, so many of us make resolutions for change in the coming year. But just saying it doesn’t necessarily make it happen.

 I belong to a local community center that has exercise equipment. Every year for the 18 years I’ve belonged, there’s a flood of people who show up to work out and get in shape. They show up right after Christmas with new shoes and new shorts, and a determined look on their faces as they try to make up for a year of neglect in just two weeks. They soon grow discouraged and by February they disappear, not to be seen again.

We are all like that to some degree. We make the decision to change: “I’m tired of being like I am, so I will just change. I will try harder…and if I do, I will be a success. People will love me, I will love  myself, and I’ll stop feeling like such a failure in life and relationships.” But the harder I try, acceptance and significance still seem to be just beyond my grasp. The work of trying to live up to someone else’s expectations is the most exhausting work there is. Just like the people who showed up to try to get in shape, we are also soon exhausted with all of the effort, and nothing to show for it. Discouraged and disillusioned, we fall right back to the same life habits and patterns of thinking that  got us where we are in the first place. It seems to be a prison that we will never escape from.

The truth is that true and lasting change will only come from the inside, not the outside. Proverbs decalres, “As a man thinks, so he is.” I’ve got to change the culture of my mind first, and then my actions will follow. You can’t always trust your feelings. I’ve discovered that I may truly feel a certain way and those feelings are valid, but they are not always a true measure of the situation. God made us the way we are, but we feel that somehow, God messed it up. No, it wasn’t that God messed up. It is a lifetime of unmet needs and unhealed hurts that causes us to be the way we are, and only God can fix them.  If we are trying harder to please ourselves or other people, we will simply wear ourselves out and become disillusioned and discouraged. 

Begin to ask God to create a new heart in you and to open your eyes to how much He loves you. Ask Him to take away all of the cultural baggage you’ve collected in a lifetime, such as feeling you have to look a certain way or act a certain way to be accepted. Putting your best foot forward can be a good thing. But if you are driven to look a certain way or act a certain way to be accepted, then you are living in a bondage that God never created for you. No amount of attention or compliments can make you feel better about  yourself until you feel comfortable about how God has made you. The right man or woman cannot fix how you think and feel about yourself. You  need to see yourself through your heavenly Father’s eyes.

 

How Do I Look?

I’ve been thinking about how self-image has become such an important issue in our society. It seems an entire generation is in bondage to low self-esteem. The most often performed surgical procedure in our nation is cosmetic surgery. Diets to help get us to the ‘perfect size’ seem to be everywhere. The attention paid to how perfectly our eyes, noses, chin, and other body parts look is amazing. The pressure to look perfect has distress to the hearts of many. This pressure has caused so much pain to both men and women, but women in particular. A good looking celebrity appears on T.V. and immediately we begin to compare ourselves with how they look and feel pressure to look like they look. When we realize that we can’t, an inward disgust with our physical appearance starts to arise.

This self-image crisis has caused an emotional meltdown to so many. Shame comes into our hearts. We cannot be who God called us to be because somehow we think He made a mistake in how He made us. Then we sit in our pain because we don’t look like we think we should. Young girls cut themselves and mutilate their bodies because of the pain. The pain inside of them seems to grow so intensely that cutting seems to be the only way to release it. They want to be accepted so badly that it drives them to crazy limits.

My prayer for you is found in Psalm 139:14 – I will praise you for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Marvelous are your works, and that my soul knows very well.

The key to self-esteem is realizing no one has the perfect body, face, hair, nose, or eyes. But God made you the way you are. I’m convinced that true beauty has more to do with attitude than attributes.

Beloved, God wants you to change how you think about yourself. A friend of ours, Heather Costaras, has started a project to help women improve their self-image. You can visit this web site at:

www.beautifullifeproject.com

 

My Privilege

I’m going to share some things today that will encourage some and infuriate others…but this blog is about what’s on my mind. So I am going to share my thoughts…

This coming Tuesday we will vote to select the next president of the United States of America. I know there are strong feelings on both sides. I wanted to let you know that I will be voting for John McCain. Here is my reason singular: the pro-life stance of the John McCain/Sarah Palin ticket.

There are an average of 4,000 babies aborted every day in the United States. This is government-sanctioned murder. The bible quite clearly states that there will be an accounting for the shedding of innocent blood, which is exactly what abortion is.

Barak Obama is a pro-death candidate, and also voted in favor of partial-birth abortions (where a baby is born all except its head, then killed). This is the major difference between these two candidates.

A big part of this economic crisis is the result of God trying to get our nation’s attention, so that we can repent of this sin and avoid His judgment upon our nation. I feel that if I vote for Obama, it is as if I am executing these abortions myself. As a Christian, I must use God’s word as my standard for everything I do and every choice I make. And God will hold me accountable for my choices.

With all that being said, if I wake up Wednesday morning and Barak Obama is my president-elect, I will pray for him. I will pray that God’s wisdom will guide him. I refuse to be angry and vindictive, and I will not create a culture of dishonor toward him Because just as it is my duty to vote for leaders who rule in the fear of God and according to His commandments, it is also my duty as a Christian to honor and pray for those in authority.

I have voted in every presidential election since Richard Nixon. It is a privilege to vote and participate in this democracy called the United States. I urge you to get out and vote. But please remember this: that as a Christian, you will be held accountable by God for the vote you cast.

 

The Sons I Never Had

This has been a very hectic two weeks. I have been driving back and forth from Columbus a lot. The birth of our third grandchild has been the main reason. She is a beautiful baby girl, whom I love dearly. Through all of this, I have realized how much I appreciate my sons-in-law – Conrad (Danielle’s husband) and Eric (Jona’s husband).

These two men are such great husbands to my daughters, and fathers to my grandchildren. They are truly like sons to me – and I love them so much. I watch them as they care for their daughters with such love and tenderness. They are truly men that I believe that God has sent to my daughters. From the time they were little, Molly and I have prayed for their future husbands. We believed that there were two little boys out there that would grow up to be perfect mates for our daughters. I believe that Conrad and Eric were those two little boys. They are direct answers to our prayers, and I am so proud of them and thankful for them.

I was also thinking of Mark and Rachel Miller. Rachel is my spiritual daughter. She and Mark are Wycliffe Bible Translators. They, along with their son Abraham, are presently living and working in Malaysia. As Rachel is our spiritual daughter, Molly and I also prayed for the right man for her. Mark is the answer to that prayer, and I’m so proud of the husband and father that he has become.

God has truly given me sons in my old age, and I am so thankful to Him for these young men. I am truly blessed.

 

Dad, I Thought About You Today

On Thursday, October 9th, it will be one year since my father went home to his reward.

I was in West Virginia last week. As I walked through the mountains, I thought about my dad. He loved the outdoors – especially hunting and fishing. Most of my memories of him rotate around those two things. Still, even now I will see something and think, ‘I can’t wait to get home to tell Dad’; then I will realize that I can’t.

It’s been a very sad time for me…thinking about my dad, and about how much I miss him.

My dad, Laymon Payne, left a legacy for me that I will carry for the rest of my life. So much of what I am today, I owe to him. He gave me his love for life and for family. He gave me his sense of humor. My dad saw things for how they were, not how he wished they were. I look in the mirror sometimes and see him staring back at me. When somebody tells me that I look like my dad, I take it as a compliment. My dad taught me that I could be tough, yet still be tender. He taught me how not to let life make me who I am, but to let the love of God make me who I am.

Dad,                                                                                                                                                                     I still miss you terribly, but I haven’t forgotten the life lessons you taught me. I haven’t forgotten that no matter how tough things are, there still must be laughter and love. I thought about you today when I looked into the eyes of my grandchildren. I was sad when I thought that they would never know you…but they will know you. I will tell them about you, and so will their moms and dads.

I thought about you today. The thing that means the most to me is to know that you were proud of me, and you always let me know that. Dad, I love you and I miss you, and I will see you again.

Your son,                                                                                                                                                            Steve

 

Built For the Storm

September 25, 2008

Last week, a very serious newscaster said, “This is the worst economic time since the depression”. The stock market had fallen 500 points, in addition to the failure of financial institutions Freddie Mac, Fannie Mae, and Lehman brothers. Then there was the high price of gas, the war in Iraq, yada, yada, yada.

Fear can be seen and felt everywhere. People are unsure and shaken. In the midst of all this I heard in my spirit, “I have built you for the storm”.

I realized I was getting caught up in the fear and panic that was going on around me. It’s not that there aren’t some serious problems, because they are serious. But the bible says that although I am in this world, I am not of this world. In other words, I have to filter everything through God’s love and provision for me. I am not at the mercy of random economic movements or political winds. I am in my Father’s arms. I trust Him. I don’t trust in politicians, government, or the help of people. I trust in God, and because of that I don’t have to get caught up in the fear of the times. Frantic statements made by news people are meant to incite panic and fear, and to get ratings.

I have a list I call “Do’s and Don’t For the Storm”.

DON’TS: 

1. DON’T complain
2. DON’T look for the government to fix everything
3. DON’T get caught up in the fear and hysteria
4. DON’T lose hope
5. DON’T hang around fear-filled people
6. DON’T get caught up in empty campaign promises

 DO’S:

1. DO be thankful
2. DO move closer to God
3. DO pray
4. DO be frugal – spend wisely and carefully
5. DO be generous – don’t stop giving

Strength for the storm can be found in Psalm 91, which states that whoever dwells in the secret place of the Most High abides under the shadow of the Almighty, and that God will give His angels charge over you to keep you in all your ways. The Psalmist also says that God will deliver you, and set you on high. As a child of the God of the universe I have nothing to fear, as longs as I rest in Him.

We were built for times like this. Yes, things are bad…but fix your eyes on Him, and rest in Him alone.

 

Fatherless Generation

I’ve been thinking about how much “fatherlessness” plays into orphaned thinking. When I say “fatherlessness” I’m not saying we don’t have a father, but rather we had fathers who were absent, unloving, or just too busy. As a result, we have a generation crying out for the love of a father.

A father’s love and approval means so much to us. Orphan-hearted people are like little kids playing and saying, “Look at me, daddy!”, but they are adults still looking for that approval. Since they don’t have a father to give them the approval their hearts crave, they go through life doing everything they can to be noticed. They feel the pressure to be perfect, so that they will be accepted. They feel that if they don’t perform perfectly, then they won’t be noticed, respected, or valued. When no one seems to notice, they retreat back into themselves. They come out once in awhile – only to be disappointed again. The orphaned heart just wants to be celebrated as someone who is significant…someone who matters.

The hurts of a fatherless generation are many, and they affect so many of our choices. The only answer for a fatherless generation – a generation of men and women who are emotional orphans, who can’t connect with the world – is the love of our heavenly Father. His love is an unconditional love, not based on our performance. He loves us just as we are, imperfections and all. We have His undivided attention, every moment of every day. His love for us is just the same on our worst day as it is on our best day. Thank you, Father God, for loving this orphan.

 

It’s Time For A Change

Last week I blogged about having an orphaned heart. I’ve been thinking about how much orphan-hearted thinking affects the way I view the world and the people in the world.

There are three basic needs of every human heart: the need to be loved; the need to be accepted; the need to belong. The orphaned heart has a hard time thinking there is anyone who could possibly love and accept them, and a hard time believing that they could possibly belong. Our very souls have been poisoned by orphan-thinking. We cry out to belong but recoil from the opportunity because we can’t take the chance of being hurt again. So as a result, we put up walls to keep everybody at a safe distance and justify our ‘cold love’ as ‘protection’. What really started out as walls to keep our hearts safe ends up becoming a prison that we cannot escape.

So what is a person to do? Friend, you must realize that people are neither the problem, nor the answer. The problem – and the answer – both lie in changing our wrong thinking. I want you to know that you have a Heavenly Father that loves you unconditionally. It is hard for us to really accept that sometimes because our distrust of people translates into a distrust in God. Your idea of what a ‘father’ is may not be a very good one, but God is not a man. He is not like us!

God loves you so much that He sent His Son to die for you and me. God does not give His love based on our performance. It is an unconditional love that is extended to us no matter how much we’ve messed up. We can come to Him with all of our weaknesses and insecurities, and He will accept us just the way we are.

Friend, you are valuable and important to God, and He loves you very, very much. You may be wondering if anybody cares about you…and I am telling you that God does, and that your life matters. You are not alone! Stop listening to the voice in your head that is telling you that nobody loves you and nobody understands you. That is just your orphaned heart crying out for an answer to its pain.

God chose to create you – that is how important you are to Him. He wants to be your Father! Climb up into His lap and let Him be your Father. He will fill that empty void.

 

Only the Lonely

I’ve been struck by the sheer loneliness that seems to grip so many people. They can be in a crowded room and still seem so isolated and ‘alone’. They would like to connect, but they really can’t seem to do it. I really believe that  so many of these lonely folks have what I call an ‘orphaned heart’.  I don’t mean they don’t have parents, but life has caused them to think and act like orphans.

The legal definition of ‘orphan’ is someone bereft through death or disappearance or abandonment, desertion, separation,  or loss of both parents. You may still have both of your parents, yet you feel abandonment or separation which makes you suspicious of people and relationships.

A person with an orphaned heart gets up everyday feeling they don’t belong and are not accepted. An orphaned heart will cause you to control the relationships that you can, and reject the relationships that you can’t control. Orphan-hearted people put unrealisitic expectations on every relationship. They marry people and expect that person to be perfect and fulfill every need, and then feel disappointed when that doesn’t happen. An orphaned heart will blow a relationship over unmet expectations, then justify their actions because they are hurt. No wonder people are isolated and lonely. No one could ever live up to those standards.

Because orphan-hearted people feel they have to perform to be accepted, they put that same performance expectation on every relationship. You can spend an entire lifetime looking for a place where you are accepted and celebrated, but not offering the same to others.

I have found that place of love and acceptance in the heart of my heavenly Father. The bible says I am ‘accepted in the beloved’. It has taken awhile but I have learned how to rest in His love for me. Instead of looking for people’s acceptance, I am receiving God’s approval. It has helped me not to be so isolated. My expectation is in God and not in people. It frees me to really love people and to trust them more.

Friend, God didn’t create you to live in a world all alone, with your nose pressed up against the window watching everyone else at the party…and you left outside looking in and blaming everybody at the party for your being left out. God said in the book of Genesis that ‘it is not good for man to be alone’. Listen to the voice of God. Go to Him and He will begin to heal your woundedness. He loves you more than you’ll ever know.

 

Round and Round We Go

A man once said, ‘the more things change, the more they stay the same’. That’s so true. It seems funny that we have ever-changing technology and increasing capacity to communicate and connect with people all over they world, yet we so relationally challenged. I’ve come to find out that we live in a world that really doesn’t know how to be married, have a friend, or do anything that requires getting along.

We seem to deal with so much tragedy and drama. We don’t love or trust because it seems so many of us have been wounded. We deal with abandonment, betrayal, and abuse, so we pull into this little cocoon with the idea that ‘I touch no one, and no one touches me’. From the perceived place of safety we let people only so close, until the inevitable happens- they don’t live up to our expectations. So we push them away, and say, ‘Well, that’s what I expected to happen’. We remain isolated from the real life that God has given, using up our time but failing to really live. Then, should we ever decided to peek our head out of our cocoon, the cycle begins again…round and round we go.

Hurt, disappointments and betrayals…they are a part of living in this fallen world. But they are only a part of life, and not the whole thing. Jesus said that He came that we might have life, and have it more abundantly (John 10:10); however, we go through our lives living in this controlled environment, trying to keep our lives emotionally manageable while protecting ourselves.

There’s a generation waiting to receive the love you didn’t get. Trust and love people, and they will hurt you and disappoint you – but trust and love them anyway. God put me on a planet full of people who need Him, and they need you to be the expression of Him. We will never be without hurt, but we must love anyway.

I refuse to live in a world so small that there’s only room for me. So yes, I get hurt. People disappoint me and desert me, but I’m going to let God love through me because people are worth it.